Social Introvert

Posted by: amberhines on: April 6, 2013

• In: Life
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Today is my 29th birthday. I’ve been a little down about it because frankly, I don’t want to get any older. I’ve also been sick all day and laying around the house when it was 72 degrees and sunny outside. What a way to spend a birthday. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect today. And, not to mention, for the 1st time in what seems like FOREVER, I got to take a night-time shower, uninterrupted. You may be thinking, huh? Let me explain…

I never get to take showers at night. I wake up at 5:30 every morning to get ready for work. I get in the shower at 6:00 and since we only have 1 bathroom, I have to leave the door unlocked so my son can go to the bathroom and get ready for school. Normally, in the midst of my rushed, Luke-warm shower the following things happen almost everyday (not in any certain order): Screaming emerges from the next room as my husband is attempting to calmly wake my son up for school. There is usually loud bickering and a few “I don’t like living here”, “I hate school”, and “I don’t like you anymore” slurs thrown around from our 6 year old. This is typically followed by a “BAM” as the bathroom door crashes into the wall bringing with it stomping feet and finally the sound of a toilet lid slamming into the porcelain. I try to calmly say “Good morning to you, Kobey” and in return I get a rough “good morning”. Then, once he has finished his business, he walks out and 1/2 the time turns the light out behind him, leaving me in the dark until he realizes I’m yelling for him to turn the light back on. After that I get a couple of minutes of peace and then my husband comes in to get all his items so he can get ready in the other room. Usually the door is left open, creating a draft, which makes me angry and I have to ask a time or two for someone to please close the door. After all this, its time to get out. So…I said all that to say, I don’t normally get “alone” time so I had quite a bit of time to think tonight. It was refreshing and enlightening. Here are a few things I contemplated:

I really am a social introvert. I always have been to a certain extent but over the years it has gotten much more pronounced. A LOT of people think I am stuck up. I’ve had a few, once they got to know me, tell me those exact words. I guess I understand where they’re coming from. I don’t fraternize with many people. I stay to myself and I am VERY uncomfortable when people ask me to branch out of my box. It takes me a long time to let people into my heart. It’s especially true in church, which is obviously not a good thing considering what I do on the side (Worship Pastor for those that didn’t know). I’ve had a past of being very hurt in church(es) and my trust has never fully recovered. Like it or not, it changed me and I’m not sure how to ever regain what I had before. I am very close to my family. In fact, almost every single close friend I have is family…besides 1 or 2. My family knows me. They know who I once was and they know me now. I’m sure most of them, that are around me frequently, will tell you I’m not the same person I was years ago. I have a guard up 24/7. I’m constantly watching, waiting for something to sneak up on me. I’m always waiting for the next hurt, the next trial, the next bump in the road. I wasn’t always but I have become a pessimist. I have an alternate ending for everything and I pretty much “what if” everything to death. On one hand, I like keeping to myself because I know me and I know what to expect. I normally don’t go out of my way to make new friends or meet new people. On the other hand, I wonder why in the world people don’t like me? Why do women (especially) not speak to me? Why do most people judge me from the brief encounters they have with me before even getting to know me? I will say, if you talk to me, I will talk to you. The funny thing is…I’ve noticed most people that consider me stuck up or anti-social tend to be just like me in several areas. Now, there are some people I just don’t click with and I can normally tell right off the bat. There aren’t many, but there are some. With me, it’s all about approach and presentation. I can’t stand abrasive people; the people with no filter. The people that don’t know the time or place to say certain things. I don’t get along with those personality types. I’ve tried, BELIEVE ME, I’ve tried. I still make an effort to be as kind as I can be but sometimes I just can’t handle it. If someone approaches me with attitude, its my nature to give it back to them so let me emphasize how difficult it is to hold back my fiery side when this scenario happens. Anyways…I don’t necessarily want people to think I’m “that girl”. The girl that never speaks to anyone. The girl that doesn’t have many friends. The girl that rejects people’s friendship advances. The girl that has the wall. I may be that girl, but it’s not the girl I really want to be. It’s not really me. It’s a girl that was made from her massive hurt and insecurities. It’s a girl that was made from hidden anger and resentment. It’s a girl that needs to be set free…she just doesn’t know where to start. Let me rephrase that…I know WHERE to start, I just don’t know how. I feel like I have clouded judgement on this issue. I know if I am “set free” that the possibility of hurt will become more real to me and a lot more likely to happen and I honestly don’t think I could handle it again. My mind and emotions can only take so much. It’s taken me a long time to semi-heal from my past hurts where I can actually walk in some type of forgiveness towards those that hurt me. It’s still a work in progress.

My ending thought is this: Don’t judge a book by its cover. You have to read the book to really find out what the story contains. If you just read the title you will never truly understand the book or the main character and the circumstances they faced that made them into the person they are today. Face value can be a very deceptive angle.

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