Journey For A Chance

For Starters…

Posted on: July 12, 2010

I’m a status updater, not a blogger so we will see how this thing turns out. This is just an introduction into the reason I’m writing this blog. I hope you don’t get to bored and I’m sorry if this is REALLY long. I tend to be long winded sometimes.

There were two things I loved more than anything growing up: God and music. The second of these is the reason I am writing this blog although the first plays a big part too. There aren’t enough words to decribe the impact music has had on my life. I started singing when I was 2 years old. I grew up singing in church so gospel music is my primary influence. My mom played the piano, by ear, and so that sparked an interest in me to do the same. I don’t feel I can play as good as my mom, but I can pick out songs, play chords, and get by okay…I think. I started branching out and leading worship at my local church when I was about 15. At the same time, I decided to start traveling around to different churches and singing wherever I could find an oppourtunity. By 16, singing was becoming a large part of my life. In 2000 there was a new show on television that was all the rage. You may have heard of it…American Idol??? Well, I watched that show religiously for the first 2 years it was on. Every now and then some one would come up to me and say, “Ya know, you should really try to get on that American Idol show”. Of course, I shrugged it off the first few times because I knew those people on that show were really good. At the same time though, I was young and full of pride and I just knew I could’ve beaten Kelly Clarkson (like I said…young and full of pride). So a year or two went by and I couldn’t stand it anymore so I told my parents I wanted to go and just try. I’m an only child and I’m pretty close to my parents. I will have to say though, I am a daddy’s girl and my dad was and will always be my biggest fan. Don’t get me wrong…my mom was a fan too, but she is more of a “realist”. So, dad and I were going to hop in the car and drive to St. Louis (whatever year that was) and I was going to try out for American Idol. Well…I’m not quite sure what happened, but plans fell through and we didn’t go. I look back now and I thank God I didn’t go. Remember earlier I said “young and full of pride” well…it would have been a disaster if I would have gotten very far in the competition. I was not mature enough to handle something like that and it would have gone straight to my head. So…I just kept doing what I was doing…leading worship and singing where I could.

I ended up getting married when I was 21 to my best friend of 10 years, Jason. His dad happened to be our Pastor and we were very close to his family so things just fell into place. I knew Jason was called into the ministry and I was willing to go with him where ever God was leading him. We became Youth Pastor’s at the first church we went to and every now and then I would lead worship or sing on the worship team. I wasn’t satisfied and I decided to start finding other places to go sing because unfortunately, when you go to a church that has an established music program it is unlikely that you will influence them to move things around to work you into the mix…especially if you feel called to lead worship and there is already a worship leader. It bothered me and I realized then that I still had some “pride” issues to work out. Not as bad as before, but something like that shouldn’t have bothered me as bad as it did.

I got pregnant after Jason and I had been married a year. My pregnancy wasn’t as bad as some, but I was always sick and I was so swollen that I looked like the Michelin Man. My delivery was hard and it was something I never want to go through again. That’s the reason why I am undecided on another baby. If I could be guaranteed that stuff wouldn’t happen again, I don’t think I would mind another child. A couple of weeks after I had my son, I wasn’t feeling 100% but I wanted to try and sing again. So…I opened my mouth to practice and I realized something was wrong. Really wrong. My 4+ octave vocal range went down to 1 octave at best. I tried and tried and tried some more but I couldn’t let out anything more than a squeak when I got to a certain note. If you could imagine one thing you cared about more than anything being taken away from you without warning…well, that’s how I felt. It may seem petty to some, but to me it was part of who I was. Singing was something that had defined me as a person for so long that I was absolutely devastated. I went to the doctor and found out I had Grave’s disease (a hyper thyroid caused by pregnancy). He told me that my thyroid was so large that it could be pressing on my vocal chords and causing the inability to sing. It lasted almost a year and a half. I cried more in those few months than I had in years. I started to slip into depression about 3 months into it (although part was blamed on post-partum, half was because of my vocals). I wouldn’t give up though. I kept practicing and eventually I started seeing some improvement. I prayed to God almost every night and begged him to give me my voice back. If I could sum up this situation in one word it would be humbling. Just what I needed. I am by NO means saying God made me lose my voice. I am saying…he took something that was meant to defeat me and turned it into my victory over pride.

So brings me back to the reason I am writing this blog. I have decided that I am not getting any younger. There are things in life, dreams, that I want to pursue. I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder What If. So this weekend, July 17th, 2010, I am going to Nashville to try out for American Idol. It’s been a long time coming. Do I think I’m going to make it far? The only expectation I have is to have fun and get to say “I did it”. Will I be disappointed if I don’t go far? Sure, but I’ll get over it. What will I do If I do make it far? I hope that I can show people God’s love through the life I live. Am I doing this for fame? No. No. No. Those of you who think that, don’t know me at all. Why are you doing this? Because, this is a oppourtunity to pursue my dream of singing. I don’t have the time/money to do it on my own. What will you do if you don’t make it? I will live my life just like I have been and try to find other avenues to pursue my dream. I want to inspire someone through music; as so many have inspired me.

3 Responses to "For Starters…"

I really beleive you have a good shot at doing this. Will be praying for you!!

I love reading your blog! I am praying girl.. I can’t wait to read on!!!

Well girl I hope that things go well for you in Nashville and that your dreams DO come true. You and I have experienced and gone through some of the same things together (music-wise) and I (feel) even though we’re not in much contact any more that I still know you pretty well and I know that if something big happens that you’ll use it for good! I’ll be praying for you – use wisdom in all that you do and pray for guidance. I wish you only the best!

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